Pieces of Me

My mom posted a comment under my May 2nd post, and I included it here in this post as well because I wanted people to read it. It gives great insight to the process my mom has gone through to get to where she is now…a process that I continue to go through. One day I will get there too. I have a tendency to hold onto anger whether it be at my dad, family, issues at work and in life, in dealing with friends and those who turn out to be not truly friends at all. Slowly, I’m learning to just LET. IT. GO. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. And those things or people should never interfere with me living my life. I refuse to waste time on it anymore. And it should never, never, never overtake my life and thoughts…never again. I can’t help what people do or think or say to me or how they feel about me or if they waste my time or turn out to be what I never thought they were or whether work is going how I want it to or not or just…anything! I can’t control the things going on around me. What I can control is my response. When I think about all of the time I have wasted on “things” and “stuff” it blows my mind. WHY? That’s all I can say. Just why?

So, here is the comment my mom left on that post.

I did visit the grave on Friday for the first time, ever, on the anniversary date. I don’t know why I felt the need to do that, but I did. Rodney and I had been to T-60 to eat dinner and were on our way home. Rodney is such an incredible man and was sent to us at a time that I now know, even though it was soon after Mike’s death, that God knew was the right time. He sat in the car while we were there. When I got back in the car he apologized for not getting out, but said he thought I needed to be alone, which was true. For some strange reason I just felt the need to stand there and talk to Mike. I told him everything that he was missing and that I absolutely could not understand why he would want to miss it. I told him that, by the grace of God, we have 2 wonderful kids that have made incredible adults and I know he had a hand in that too. He had a lot of good in him and I too have begun to remember the good times. I told him that I know that was God’s doings because I know my parenting skills weren’t the best in the world and that I was an absolute mess for so long. I told him that they have married 2 wonderful people. That Tim is a great husband and father and that I don’t have to worry about our daughter being taken care of and that I trust Tim and love him. Thanks Tim, you’re the best. I told him that Mikey is doing what he, Mike, always dreamed of doing – being a Highway Patrolman and that Lisa is a good young woman that will make a good mother someday and that Mikey will be an incredible dad. I also told him that I am happy and that I have a husband that is way more than I deserve to have. I also talked to him about not understanding, but that I finally feel a certain peace, if that’s possible with his death. I believe in my heart that life was just so overwhelming for him that, although it is a permanent solution to something that was so temporary, that he felt there was no other way to cope. I don’t understand nor do I believe that anyone has the right to play God. We should all die in His timing and not ours. I told him all about our little God send, Emma. How he could ever want to miss out on being a Papa is beyond me. My mom is right, it is so different than your children, not that you love them anymore, you just don’t have the responsibility and are free just to be Mimi. Life has not been easy the last 18 years, but the 3 of us are fortunate. I am blessed in my job to work with people who are hurting, not that it’s a blessing to have to hurt, but that’s reality of the world we live in. God blessed me with a ministry to work with hurting people. Through this, I get to work with families of suicide victims. We are fortunate in the respect that we have taken a horrible act and managed to still, in some ways, overcome it. Through the years I have witnessed a lot of people suffer from self destruction through alcohol and drug abuse because they can’t cope with a suicide death. I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God’s hand has been on the 3 of us through the years because it all could have turned out so much different than it did. Mike was my first love, my childhood sweetheart that I have finally come to terms with that I still have a special love for him and always will. I fought that for so long because I was so angry. I asked him did that not mean anything, why? I will never have that answer and that is one thing I always make a point to tell people. I thank God for mercy and grace. I thank Him for 2 wonderful kids, 2 great additional kids, a wonderful little girl that I learn something new about every time I am with her, loving parents that love me unconditionally, true friends that stuck by me, and a great and supportive family of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I have way too many blessings in my life not to be grateful and I hope God continues to use me as an advocate for Him to show hurting people there is a light at the end of the tunnel – you just have to have determination and a strong desire to find it. I raised my kids to be independent and strong-willed. Sometimes I think I over did it with Marlena. I didn’t think men could be trusted if they weren’t my dad. But I have learned that it doesn’t hurt to just let your guard down and let your husband take care of you. I have finally done that through the years and I trust him to provide not only financially, but emotionally and there is nothing wrong with it. I have several men in my life now that have proven to me that all men aren’t alike. I am married to one, one is my son, and the other is as close to a son as he can be without blood, and several are family members and close friends. My dad was the most incredible though and I thank God for the guidance, although he spoiled me rotten, that he gave me. You could say life is good, no I take that back, life is absolutely and amazingly wonderful and continues to get better everyday. God is good.

Tim & I do have a good life. And we have the most spectacular child in the world. We have 10 good years under our belts and hopefully many more to come. I probably will not ever understand why my dad made the decision he did back then. I hope I can find the peace with it my mom has found. The hardest part is the unanswered questions…the “why?” Were we not enough for him to choose to live? Would it have made a difference if I had told him goodbye that morning instead of rolling my eyes and breathing a sigh of relief that he just left because then he wouldn’t find something wrong with me? Will I ever let go of the guilt of thinking things would just be easier if he was not there? Pretty difficult questions that have played in my mind since I was twelve. I don’t know. But I can not choose the path that he took. Please don’t misunderstand…I have never thought of suicide as an option for me. What I mean is the path of isolation and despair. I love my family and friends. The rest is just stuff. A lot of it is put there to make our lives better. The stuff that is not, well, I hope that from now on I can just keep on walking. So, those are my thoughts about this today. Funny not all of them are actually about death, but maybe from death I am learning these things. Finally. Thankfully. My mom did teach us that you can find good in any situation. From this we got Rodney and were able to have a good life, I married Tim instead of possibly ending up with someone who was way wrong for me(I would have married him to just get away from the stress and would have made the biggest mistake of my life), and because of Tim, we got Emma. And those are all good things.